Not very many people know of my childhood.
It was a very dark time, full of abuse and neglect. As a child, I never felt loved, protected or cherished….except for when I read the Word of God.

I learned to read at a very early age and I had a KJV Bible that my Catholic Grandmother had given me. That Bible was quite literally my salvation. I would hide in my closet while the darkness raged outside and huddle together with my younger siblings reading the Bible to them. I “mothered” them thru our early years until we eventually grew apart in our “every man for himself” kind of world. In those days I would still take refuge in my closet alone with my Bible and my journal and write out prayers for the future.

I saw little hope of saving the situation I was in, but the future….my adulthood….that could be saved.

So I prayed.

I prayed for the family I wanted. A husband who would love the Lord and care for me like he should. In-laws that would be good parents to him, a good childhood for him. I would pray for my future children that they might never know the pain and fear that I knew. I prayed for their faith, their comfort, that they would always feel completely and totally loved. I promised God that if He would give me the family I wanted I would give my all to make sure that my children were loved completely, lacking nothing emotionally or physically.

God answered those prayers. God has redeemed in me all that was lost before. My life now is full of joy and love. My spirit has peace because I am able to give my children the love I never had. I am able thru God’s grace to shower these little ones with God’s unending love and although I am not perfect I am able to give all that I am to raise up these little ones redeeming my own pain thru serving my little ones.

God answered my prayers for my husband as well. I started praying for him many years before we ever met, I never knew who he was but I knew that God knew and so I would pray for him each day. I prayed that he might have joy, safety, love and peace. I prayed for his parents that they might be good people and care for their son in ways the Bible described but I had never seen in real life.

“Dad-Man” my husband had a wonderful childhood. When he talks of his growing up years there’s always a smile on his face. He and his parents are very close, and I’ve had the wonderful privilege of not only marrying him, but becoming part of his family. His parents took me in and “raised” me in so many ways. They taught me what family should look like, and helped me heal. They didn’t realize they were teaching me, they didn’t know how much I needed their love, but they were there none the less. In so many ways my in-laws are more “my parents” than my real parents ever were.

Oh don’t get me wrong, I love my real parents very much. I pray for them every day. They are both so lost in their own pain that they can’t seem to keep their head above water long enough to notice the pain they cause to other people. My mother lives in fear of everything, hides herself and refuses to even so much as visit me because she’s afraid of her anxiety. My father drowns his internal pain with drugs and drinking. He knows it’s destroying him, yet he doesn’t want to get better. At one point, he actually said I should be thankful for him abandoning me as a child….he just can’t seem to admit that he did wrong. It’s heartbreaking watching my parents still go around the same circles never getting any better. Today I no longer look at them thru a hurting child’s eyes, but thru the eyes of an adult who has experienced healing from past pain and all I see is two people who are so lost. So very very lost.

But, on the day I got married I was still very much a hurting child. My in-laws couldn’t have known all the pain in my heart and my husband knew, but didn’t know how to help me. Still, I knew that Jesus would heal me in time. He promised me, back when I was in my closet crying my heart out to God I would feel the loving arms of Jesus wrapping around me, holding me close. I literally felt like I was being held. I knew God would heal me, someday.

Over the years I’ve learned to express my feelings about my past and learned how to fit into the role of a daughter both to my in-laws and to my own parents. I’ve learned how to be a good wife to my amazing husband and I’ve learned how to be a loving mom.
My children have never known that kind of darkness, and they never will. I will protect them and love them to my last breath.
My 10 year old said to me the other day “Mom you’re the best mom in the whole wide world. Seriously, all my friends wish they had a mom like you.”

People tell me all the time how “well adjusted, responsible and loving” my kids are. I believe that it truly comes from the fact that they know they are truly LOVED. No matter what they do, no matter how much they might mess things up they are always 100% loved. I’m not at all afraid to apologize if I make a mistake with my children. I expect them to respect others and treat others with the same generous love they are given at home. I expect them to be responsible and complete their homework and chores…..and I expect them to have FUN.
I try to make each moment count, because I know there are only 18 years each until they are grown and gone. If I mess up their childhood there is no “reset” button, no fixing it in the future. I got this one shot to do it “right” and make sure my kids grow up with a solid foundation. Every day brings me to my knees in thankfulness and prayer. Each day I pray for guidance to lead these little ones in the way God would have me to. I try to fill our days with scripture and lessons for the future, praying over them, praying with them for their future.
I’ve taught them to pray for their future spouses and children, to pray for their own heart attitude as they grow into adulthood. And to pray for me and their Daddy that we do a God-honoring job of raising them right.
We play with our kids every day, picnics and outdoor games when it’s nice, and indoor games when the weather is bad. Our house is full of laughter and joy.
When we do have to discipline our children it’s done with love and after it’s over there’s cuddles and scripture explaining why what they did was wrong and how to do it better the next time.

God has redeemed. God has made me whole and in so doing allowed me to hold these little ones in my heart, and bring them up to Him as well.  I’m at a point in my life where the darkness can no longer touch me. The darkness from the past stays in the past. God has used that darkness to make it into light. He has taken my pain and turned it into something amazing.

Romans 8:28  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Until next time,
Sonya