I asked God to show me his love,

I asked God to show me his love, and so he gave me a baby. As I held my new precious bundle in my arms, so full of love i could burst, God said to me
"The love you have for your child, those feelings you feel right now....that's how i feel for you, only i feel it a billion times more."

one of the closest things we get to understanding how much God loves us is by loving our own children. you see, we are God's children, crafted by his own hand. He loves us so much that he sent his own Son to die for us, wich the Son out of his own great love for us did so willingly with great joy! How many of us would gladly lay our lives down for our children? and God feels that a billion times more for each and every one of us. The only thing He asks for in return is that we love him back.

John 14:15 "If you love me, you will obey what I command." God wants our obedience not out of spite or force, but out of love, just as we want our children to obey not because we want to be the "boss" but because we don't want to see them get hurt or into trouble that following the rules can keep them out of.

today, when you go about your day remember that you are loved by an amazing creator that loves you billions of times more than you love your own children. ♥

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trying to put thoughts into words---what is life like when you have a special needs child?

When you have a special  needs child, life really is a different world. It’s not something most people can understand, not unless you’ve been there yourself. But I guess this is my attempt to put it into words…

I'll start at the beginning, there is always a beginning. the moment you first  learn of your child's disability or illness...maybe it's at birth, maybe before....maybe much later in life. for me it was partway into pregnancy.

In the beginning, you are in denial. You refuse to believe the prognosis the doctors give you. No matter how small or how huge the disability or illness is you don’t believe it. You think

“they MUST be wrong”

You refuse to accept (although mostly subconsciously) that something could be different, something could be “wrong” with your child.

But there comes a day, when you start to realize that it might just be true. Something is different.

That day might hit like a ton of bricks. It might come by something your child does, a noise he or she makes…. or it may come softly, like a whisper in the wind…over time. But it does come. Eventually you face it, you look at it and you begin to accept what the doctors are saying.

It isn’t easy. Once you accept it, or even start to accept it you have to let go. You have to let go of your dreams you had for your child.

Dreams like, maybe he will be a doctor, a lawyer, a dentist

Maybe she will be a dancer, a poet, a nurse

Maybe he will fly a plane, drive a car, own a home

Maybe she will have my grandchildren, live on a farm, have a job

For a time those dreams can haunt you. Knowing they can never be.

But you will dream again.

Your dreams will be smaller.

Maybe he will walk. Maybe she will talk. Maybe one day he will look in my eyes and say “I love you” maybe we can make it a whole week without being at the doctors, maybe a month without being in the hospital….dare I hope for a whole year?

Sometimes those dreams can be freighting. Sometimes you may wonder if your child will live to be grown up. Sometimes your dreams can only see past the next few hours, the next few days, the next month….sometimes you can’t dream at all because it’s to painful.

You will beat yourself up. Wonder if there was something you could have done differently, something you could have changed to have avoided this. Was it that can of pop I drank during pregnancy? Was it this? Was it that? You will drive yourself nearly crazy thinking of what if’s until you realize that there is no way to go back and change it, and most likely it wasn’t your fault at all.

Mourning is a natural part of having a disabled child. You will feel guilty for it. You will feel like your taking something from your child. You know in your heart that you love him or her absolutely and you feel guilty for the pain in your heart.

That’s normal. You will get past it. It may not feel like it then, but you will.

You will have happy days. Some days that feel like everything is going to be OK. Sometimes you will want to go back to denial and refuse to believe that anything is wrong, and other days you will come to accept it without sadness and pain. But there will always be days when you will mourn.  Perhaps when you see another child the same age doing what yours can’t…something will set you back to mourning even for a small time. You’ll shed tears and pick yourself up again.

You will love your child just as much as you would have if he or she were “normal” (you’ll grow to hate the word “normal” as well) you will find ways to make him or her happy, and the smile on your child’s face will light up your life. You will not always mourn. You will have great abundant joy!

You will meet people, because of your child. They will come into your life when you need them the most and they will become as close to you as family. You will learn from them because most of them have a child that is similar to yours. 

You will find a new normal. It may include medical devises, feeding tubes, wheelchairs and hearing aids but you will adapt. You will learn how to take care of your child and you will know him or her better than anyone else can. That bond is strong.

Children with special needs teach us so much. Your child will become your teacher. Your child will teach you joy, compassion, peace, love and so much more than you can imagine. You will see that your child is a special angel sent from God to teach you and those around you.

You will learn how your child communicates. You will learn how he moves, how she needs you to be for her,  you will learn to hold onto each and every day—especially the good days—and live life in the moment you are in because you never know what will happen next, you will learn to truly be thankful for all the things you’ve taken for granted, you will learn so much.

You won’t notice at first how much you’ve changed.  But when you look back you will see that you have grown stronger. You won’t remember when you stopped feeling sad but you will find all the joy in the world in the face of your child.

Someday, you will thank God for your child’s disabilities. Not because of the hardship but because the hardship has changed you. Your child has brought you joy more than you could fathom before and it is then that you realize you would never change a single thing about him or her, you know that your child is exactly who God designed him or her to be.

it's been a while

I haven't posted anything in a while, so here's a quick update.

life in a construction zone is a little nuts, but our remodle on the house is nearly done. for those of you who didn't know our house got flooded after Rob accidently left the water running while he was cleaning out the mess in the van from the baby being born in the van. he came home to about 3 inches of water...anyway that was in November. its now March. we have, with the help of Rob's parents & his cousin Brad put up the ceader on the cealing and part of the walls. the cabinets and counter top have all been replaced and all that's left is the rest of the ceader, the dark green marble tile and the carpet.
oh, but then next year we have to do the bathroom because a pipe burst under the tub. the pipe is taken care of, but we had to rip out half a wall to do it...and can't afford to fix it just yet. by the time this house is done, i don't think i'm going to want to sell it. already this is the nicest house i've ever had...and soon it will be the nicest house i ever imagined. such a blessing from God it is.

The kids are doing great. Dyllan is reading so wonderfully, i can't help but have a little pride in the fact that i taught him. I TAUGHT him that! homeschool has such amazing benifits. :)
Robby is learning to read. were taking it slower with him cause he has such a hard time focusing. i think it's just his age though.
Ronan is wonderful. he loves to play "spiders" and tells me when he grows up his wife is going to have a baby who he's going to name "pink babe" after his doll, and a baby boy named "baby boy."
Teal'c is responding very well to his growth hormone injections and is starting to show some growth! he's getting stronger and has finally learned "yes" and "no" by nodding or shaking his head. I'm learning that even if there were a cure a way to "fix" his brain damage, i'm not sure I'd change Teal'c. he brings us so much joy just the way he is...if he wasn't the way he is, he wouldn't be who he is and i love who he is. I guess i've gotten past the greif of coming to terms with his autism and disabilities. we dont know what the future holds for him, but we know that in all of his todays and tomorrows we will be holding on to him with all the love and joy he brings us. I'm so greatfull that God has kept Teal'c healthy recently. Teal'c hasn't been in the hospital since August, and he hasn't been sick since December. that has been such a blessing!
Bretac is the picture of the "perfect" baby. he sleeps thru the night (none of the other kids ever did. Teal'c is still up at night!) he's a great nurser and has a very sweet, even temperament. exactly what we needed. I'm so very greatful for him. He's 4 months old already. the buzz about him being born in a car has died down...although i still can't get the stain out. lol. I love to hold him to my breast, nursing him while he stares up at me and smiles. Bretac hasn't gotten sick once (well i thought he was once over Christmas but it only lasted about 3 hours) and for that i am so grateful.

i love to stare at him. infact i love to stare at all my kids.

i sometimes turn on the TV to something i'm not really watching, that the kids won't be interested in...because they think i'm watching the TV but really i'm watching them play, listining to them talk and imagine...watching them in a way that they think i'm not watching...admiring them.

and always, thanking God for them. every minute of every day i thank God for them.

and my husband. i watch him when he dosen't know i'm watching too. he's such a good man it brings tears to my eyes. i watch him play witht he children, i watch him work on his school work or a prodject from work, i watch him play i watch him watch TV. oh how i love that man! I wish he could see how i see him cause if he did he'd never feel insecure about himself again.

on other news:

I had my wisdom teeth pulled last week. that hurt alot. it's finally healing. i tell ya what, it was like having my face be in labor for a week! not fun. it's still painfull. i don't wanna ever ever ever go thru that again.

over all, this season of life has been so very very blessed. God thank you so much for this down time, for this blessing.

i can't begin to describe how wonderful this time has been. oh hectic yes with the remodeling, but I'll take remodeling over the illnesses we've dealt with the past 2 years any day!

watching

sometimes i just stare at my kids. sometimes i turn on the TV onto something they think i'm watching so they don't know i'm watching them. i watch them play together. lately they'e been playing "slap jack" a card game.
sometimes i watch them color, play the wii, watch TV, sleep.
i just love watching my kids.
you can learn alot about people by watching them.

ack!

i wanna scream.

my house is not finished, it hasn't been for weeks...now it's worse. all our new cabinets are here and they are stacked up in their boxes filling up my living room. my couches are stacked on top of each other and my kitchen has wires exposed. there is construction mess everywhere. i can't get into my kid's bedroom, i can barely get into my own room and the office and bathroom.
and yet, they think its safe for us to be here.
I'm the type of person i need to have a plan, although spontaneity is nice and it has it's place when there is something big like this there needs to be a plan....but no...we are flying by the seat of our pants and nothing has a set plan.
i want to stay in a hotel, but apparently there aren't any big enough. nope. Americinn says we can't rent from them. they won't rent to us because our family is to big and it violates fire code. they said they can rent to 6 people in their double rooms max. not 7. we have 7. even though two are babies and all 5 kids are under age 6 it dosen't matter. they won't rent to 7.

so, were trying to see if we can get back into the Cove Point Lodge...but they won't approve it for today. why? i have no idea. they think it's just fine to have 5 kids confined to the space of a queen sized mattress while theres so many hazzards everywhere....my house right now is an accident waiting to happen.

every where i look there are things that could fall on the kids. everywhere. one of my facebook friends recently lost her two year old son to an accident where a dresser fell on him. i'm terrified of the things in my house that could fall on my children, expecially right now where everything we own is stacked up everywhere.

i dont know where anything in this house is. i can't get to most of our things even when i need to. Rob keeps asking me to find this or that and there is no way i can, not with out sorting thru all the millions of stacked boxes everywhere.

oh, i'm very greatful that my house is getting fixed. it's just taking way longer than anyone told me it would. (i expected that) and it's putting my kids in danger while we sit here trying to keep them still on a queen sized bed all day. even TV can't keep 5 kids still for that long. they want to run and play, and already Dyllan has hurt himself on stuff that's all over the house just from walking into something.

so tonight i'm expected to have 5 kids sleeping where? Rob says on the floor in the hallway. oh yea that's pleasant. the hallway is cement right now. seriously, has anyone but me thought about the children in this whole mess?


and yes, i asked around looking for sitters...but none were anywhere to be found. almost everyone it seems is in duluth today, or sick as the case may be. i may have a place for the kids to stay tonight, but even so it would be imposing on people who are dealing with their own kids being sick...not so sure i wanna do that to them. i know i woudln't want extra kids when mine are sick....

oh well. time to take a deep breath and get back to work i guess. Lord, please protect my children.

chaos and home renevation

so last week we were booted out of our home in order to start construction (or rather reconstruction) to fix all the damage that was done after my husband left the water running and left the house for 8 hours)
the "vacation" itself was wonderful. we stayed in the Cove Point Lodge cottages. BEAUTIFUL! right on lake superior. the lake was only about 20 feet from our front window.
it had everything, two floors, two big bedrooms, 3 TVs and a jacuzzi. probably the most "fancy" vacation I'll ever have. relaxing and wonderful.

and now we are home, but the house is only half done. right now my floors are cement and plywood, i have no kitchen and everything we own is shoved into the bedrooms and the office.  nothing is where i want it and i can't find anything. i can't move anything either. next week they come back to fix the rest of it, to finish stuff...so i have to live in chaos for a few weeks...then back to a hotel...then finally i can get things organized again.