Today I want to write about my experience with Anxiety. Anxiety affects millions of people but each person affected thinks they are totally alone.
I recently learned that one of my dear friends is dealing with some serious Anxiety issues, so I’m writing about my experience in the hopes that she will read this and it will help her to know that she’s not alone.
My first anxiety attack happened when I was bout ten or so, I don’t remember exactly but it was shortly after I had learned a few cuss words. My brain told me that if I cussed I would become a bad person and I became afraid of those words. I couldn’t stand to hear them because I thought that they would get into my head and poison me. Then I began having cycling thoughts about swear words. The worst part was when I became afraid if I cussed in my thoughts that God would punish me. Oh yes this all sound so illogical now, but to me as a 10 year old it was terrifying. There was nights I would stay up and whisper to myself to keep the cuss words from entering my head….but as anyone knows the harder you try to NOT think about something the more you actually focus on it. Eventually I started having issues at school and my guidance counselor talked to me. I never did tell her what was bothering me, but she had told me I needed to face my fears and “talk back to “ the anxiety. So, to put that to a test I sat in the bathroom alone one day and cussed out loud. I didn’t die. God didn’t disown me. I probably would have gotten in trouble if I had cussed a little louder but that anxiety level peaked and then faded away. After a few more bathroom cussing sessions that fear went away.
The next time I was about 15 or 16. My grandma had just died and she had been such a close friend of mine I kind of lost it. this was by far the worst time in my anxiety history. I got it in my head that God would abandon me if I wasn’t perfect. Then I read a Bible verse about an unforgiveable sin, and I didn’t understand it. (The truly only unforgiveable sin is denying Jesus so hard that your heart is beyond redemption for without Jesus there can be no salvation) but I didn’t understand that then. I had panic attacks nearly hourly, and I started doing the whispering and creating behaviors that I thought would make me feel better. Tapping things, touching walls, clicking switches….oh yea I was full on OCD at that point. I lived like this for several months unsure of what to do. My friends started to notice, my sister noticed. Then I started thinking that if I thought the wrong thing not only would God disown me but I would spontaneously combust into a firey inferno and die.
Every night I would struggle to sleep. I would clutch my Bible crying and apologizing for any bad thoughts I might have had. I developed a cycle of thoughts that is still sometimes with me even today almost 16 years later. I would fill my thoughts with things that were “good” thoughts and if that weren’t enough I would repeat those thoughts outloud over and over and over. Usually in hushed whisper tones as I was in school most of the day and I was trying my best to hide my weirdness. I talked to my pastor, he couldn’t help me. I wrote down what that Bible verse really meant and tons of verses that talked about God’s unconditional love but it wasn’t enough. Something inside me was deeply broken and I could see no way out. At one point I just prayed for death.
Then, I finally found some help. I was on anxiety medication for about 2 years. I saw a counselor and she helped me to relax, accept the fact that I was not crazy but what I was going thru was grief induced anxiety. She encouraged me to write about my feelings about Grandma’s passing away. The one thing I never shared with her was the cycle of thoughts and fears. She did tell me that I would never get better unless I could face my fears.
You see, the human body can only stand so much anxiety. But you don’t die when the anxiety peaks, instead if you face it and see it thru, confront the very thing causing you anxiety than after the peak it starts to fade. You MUST do this again and again until it no longer phases you. If you don’t, if you just let the anxiety build and then run from it than it will take over your life until you can no longer function.
It’s sad but true. My own mother has anxiety. She refuses help. Over the years she’s gotten worse and worse until she now hardly leaves her house. She is only a few hours from me but a few months ago told me that because her fears are to great she doesn’t want to see me. She refuses to face those fears inorder to have a relationship with her daughter and her grandchildren and prefers to live in the bubble that she’s deemed “safe” it’s heartbreaking. But there’s nothing I can do unless she’s willing to fight back to the anxiety it will continue to rule her life. Personally, I refuse to live that way.
I knew I needed something to change with my own anxiety. I wanted to have a family and I knew that this mess was going to hold me back. It was scary, I thought I was going to die. But slowly I started confronting the anxiety. When I didn’t die in a firey death the instant I thought something “bad” the anxiety lessened. Oh it wasn’t easy road that’s for sure. The medication helped but I didn’t want to be on medication forever, so I kept working at it and started to wean myself off of the meds.
By the time I left for college I was only taking one pill every week. I didn’t realize that wasn’t enough to do ANYTHING for my anxiety but I thought it did. It was kind of like a crutch. My cycle of thoughts had settled down and I was living a more normal life. My boyfriend at the time (now my husband) helped me a lot. His very presence calmed me. He’s always had a way with words and showing me reality and how silly those fears were with out being condescending or pushy. He just held me thru it.
We got married in 2003, at that point he encouraged me to throw away the last bottle of anxiety medication I had. I hadn’t taken it in months but I held onto it “just in case”. It was hard for me to drop that bottle in the trash, I feared that the anxiety would come back. It did, but not to the same extent. This time I knew how to deal with it.
I had a lot of anxiety when my first child was born. Anyone who knew me could tell you I was a mess. I was so afraid that I was going to damage him emotionally or something that I literally never set him down. He didn’t walk till he was 16 months because I held him all the time. I was so afraid that he wasn’t getting enough milk from nursing that I gave him a bottle and ended up pumping milk for him for many months because I had to “see” how much he was eating. I was so afraid that he’d need something and I wouldn’t have it on hand that I carried this HUGE duffel bag around with me with almost everything he owned in it every where I went. Ironically having a second baby calmed me down a lot.
When I turned 29 I had anxiety about turning 30. I worried that I would suddenly become ugly or that my husband wouldn’t want me anymore. I went a little nuts and dyed my hair pink in effort to look younger. My husband just kind of laughed, and supported me thru my anxiety. It was short lived, after a month or two of pink hair I realized how silly I was being and settled down.
I grew into my role as mom and it became my identity. Now that my husband doesn’t want to have any more babies I’ve had to face my anxiety once again. When he announced that he is planning on “taking care of the problem” (meaning the doctor appointment that I’ve dreaded for a long time) I had a break down. I cried for three days. He kept asking me if I really wanted more babies that badly but the truth is I don’t. I don’t really want to keep going thru pregnancy and having more little ones---7 kids is a lot to take on, especially when one has such severe special needs. But I’m afraid of what comes next. I didn’t realize that was what my issue was until talking to a friend of mine but I’ve lost sight of who “I” am apart from my role as mom. I became afraid that with out little ones I would basically be worthless. However, once I realized what was actually causing my emotional reaction I was able to face it and talk back to it. I now have peace about being “done” and I’m actually looking forward to the next stage of life.
You see, it gets easier to face the anxiety the more you do it.
Anxiety affects millions of people. Most of the time the fears we have are completely irrational. They seem so real to us though. One thing I have learned is fear itself isn’t real. No matter what I’m afraid of the fear isn’t going to kill me. the fear isn’t a huge beast about to eat me and it isnt’ anything physical. Fear is not real. Fear is all in my head. Talking back to the fear, to the anxiety is the only way to make it go away.
Oh sure, it can feel like your going to die. But you aren’t. it can feel like you can’t face it but you can. It can truly feel like you have to obey the anxiety and avoid anything that triggers it, but if you do that you will end up alone afraid to leave your home and that’s no way to live.
My friend, there are so many people that love you. So many people that want to help. You are stronger than you realize.
I’ve always admired you. Did you know that? You’ve faced some difficulties in life that no one should have to. You’ve faced some terrible disappointments. But you have handled it with grace and poise. I can’t imagine the grief in your heart, but it tears at my heart to know how much you are hurting. I have so long wanted to help you, to be closer to you and help you in your pain, but you’ve held me at a distance much of this time. I only hope that going public with my own experience with anxiety will encourage you that you are not alone, you CAN do this, you CAN face this, you CAN get over this and get better. You are an amazing woman, you CAN beat this.
YOU ARE LOVED.
Just as you are. The things you have faced do not make you “less than” anyone else. You are exactly perfect the way you are. You have a heart of gold and everyone around you can see how kind you are to animals and to people.
We can help if you let us.
I pray for you every single day. I always have. Since the day we met I’ve prayed for you. Knowing your hurting I cry for you as well. Please remember dear friend, you are NOT alone.
Until next time,
Sonya Lillis
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